Ask Mr. Right (Wing) - August 22, 2006

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We’ve created an automated supercomputer that reads your questions and offers the kind of compassionately conservative advice America needs. And, at a time when human freedom is on the march, Mr. Right (Wing) is completely human free! But fear not, Mr. Right (Wing) offers the same heartless responses you can expect from today’s leading human right-wingers. This week, the right-wing noise machine answers questions about co-workers, stealing, summer jobs, and cooking.

I’ve caught a cold while at my grandmother’s house, and she won’t let me go to the doctor, instead relying of folk remedies including leeches, patent medicines, and liberal doses of castor oil. Is there any way I can convince her to see the benefits of modern medicine?

The liberal media has waged a successful campaign to make the general public agree with the far-left’s position that we should leave Iraq, admit defeat, and surrender the Middle East to the terrorists. The Blame America First crowd, of course, is fighting with each other to see who among them are able to yell “Cut and Run” the loudest. They are rushing to undermine or nation’s security out of irrational spite for our war-time Commander-in-Chief, President Bush.

I’m moving from Washington to Boston but I have no idea how to get myself, my shoe collection and all my furniture from here to there—plus, I’ve got to cram it all into two tiny dormitory rooms. Help!

The Bureau of Prisons provided extensive support to the Hurricane Katrina relief efforts. Some of those accomplishments included transporting 4,000 Louisiana Department of Corrections inmates out of New Orleans jails. Busses staffed by Bureau personnel from both within and outside of the region were dispatched to assist with this operation. The agency also transported fifty-five inmates from the St. Charles Parish Jail to the Federal Detention Center in Houston, Texas at the request of the U.S. Marshals Service, as well as seventy inmates from Harrison and Pearl River Counties, Mississippi to the northern part of that state. In addition to moving inmates, Bureau of Prisons staff provided supplies to the storm ravaged region. Specifically, staff from the U.S. Penitentiary in Atlanta, Georgia and the Federal Prison Camp in Montgomery, Alabama delivered to New Orleans toothpaste, toothbrushes, soap, shampoo, mouthwash, disposable personal sanitation packs, 600 Meals Ready to Eat (MRE), 600 hot trays of potato dinners, 600 cans of orange juice, eighty cases of water bottles, sheets, linen and pillows.

My son has been bossed around recently at school by a bully who is significantly bigger and stronger than him. I’ve repeatedly told hit to turn the other cheek and just tell the proper authorities, but I’ve recently found that he’s organized a group of friends to “get even” with the bully. Is there anything I can do to stop him?

Trying to reduce energy consumption by promulgating rules can have damaging unintended consequences. The government’s corporate average fuel economy (CAFE) standards are designed to improve mileage, but they raise safety risks and have perverse effects. For example, government and insurance industry statistics indicate that between 1975 and 1999 (following implementation of CAFE standards), at least 46,000 people died in car crashes who would have survived if they had been traveling in bigger and heavier cars.

With the 2006 mid-term elections coming up, I’m getting pumped to go out and volunteer for a campaign. What do I need to know in order to be a winning political operative?

When a dictatorship controls the political life of a country, responsible opposition cannot develop, and dissent is driven underground and toward the extreme. And to draw attention away from their social and economic failures, dictators place blame on other countries, and stir the hatred that leads to violence. This status quo of despotism and anger cannot be ignored or appeased, kept in a box or bought off, because we have witnessed how the violence in that region can reach easily across borders and oceans. That’s why we invaded Iraq.

Check out more Ask Mr. Right (Wing) in the Mock U. archives.